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On Friday I will have officially been single for a month now. The truth of the matter is, I expected to be feeling a little better by now. I engaged in all the traditional 'get over it' coping mechanisms; I ate chocolate and went through several boxes of kleenex, I drank a lot of rum drinks with umbrellas in them and went dancing. I fragged orcs for an entire weekend and ate food you have peel out of a cellophane wrapper. (Ok, maybe not that traditional) I even went on a veggie diet and increased my workouts by 3 hours a week. The rub of it all is that while I've finally made myself sick of 3 Musketeers, increased my 3 drink threshold, maxed out the level on my AQ char and lost 3 lbs, I'm not really feeling any better.

I still wake up every morning to a somewhat gray and dingy world. I can see the colors and the vibrancy but I don't really feel them any more. For a creative type it's a bit like being near sighted and losing your glasses. Inspiration is out there.... somewhere, too bad you can't see it.

I had an interesting conversation with my butcher today.

Me: You look beat.
Tom: I'm telling you, I'm getting too old for this. I've closed 4 nights this week. You should tell the manager I'm too tired to cut your pork chops and I'm going to slice my fingers off.
Me: *Snort* I can't get him to carry the dry goods I want, I'm pretty sure he's not going to hear me when I complain about the state of my butcher.
Tom: You could threaten him! *laughs*
Me: Oh yeah *wiggles fingers* I'm scary.
Tom: Tell him your boyfriend will be back in town soon and he's going to be unhappy if he can't get his steaks cut properly.
Me: Yeah.... well... my boyfriend broke it off last month so he isn't going to be too worried about how you cut my steaks.
Tom: *blank stare* You got to be kidding me! what happened with him? (you know it's a small town when your butcher has no issue asking you that question and actually knows your boyfriend)
Me: He got a really great job offer in Gainesville and I didn't want to move to Gainesville.
Tom: Nobody wants to move to Gainesville. *long pause while cubing chicken* I just don't know, he looked.... smarter.

I did laugh even if it was unfair. I don't have much excuse to laugh lately so I take what I can get. I've been met with more than a fair bit of disbelief lately when I've had to tell people I'm single again. A lot of blank stares and WTF? expressions. It would be hysterical if it weren't so sad. The reactions are all similar in opinion and unique in articulation. Apparently everyone else is even more stunned to find me here than I am. I thought about photo-blogging it at first but it seemed wrong somehow.

I hate generalizing about any group of people but let's face it, there are traits that are gender inherent. Prejudice isn't recognizing those differences, it's vilifying them. I know that men place a lot of value and self worth into their careers, a heck of a lot more than I could even begin to imagine allotting to something whose sole purpose is to make money and keep me from spending time with the people who are important to me.

I'm not faulting guys for the value they place on their careers. I'm faulting the idea that it's ok to say 'I love you' if you wouldn't sacrifice those career goals for the person you're saying it to. The only girls I've known who wouldn't mind being less important than career are the sort who marry for money, and frankly they're probably happy to take a back seat to a fellow's job, provided of course that he forks over the credit cards before he goes to work overtime. Most of us would much rather be unexpendable.

Don't mistake it as an accusation of insincerity. I'm just starting to think there might be some gender discrepancies in the definition of the word 'love'. It rather reminds me of Ingio Montoya in the Princess Bride; "You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means." Somewhere in that whole male/female communication thing is a serious difference in the context.

Maybe I just need a male perspective on the practical application. In my reality 'love' is something you say to the people you can't do without. Right now I'm feeling more like a security officer on the Enterprise.

I'll sort it out eventually. Meanwhile I'll don my red shirt, make myself a drink and frag some orcs, right after I get in another 30 minute work out.

Date: 2008-10-27 01:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hi honey...I'm so sorry this is so late. *HUGGLES* I'm sorry it had to turn out like this... I have lots of opinions but they aren't very nice regarding his choices. What I do know is that you are a gem and he gave up too easily. (from what Lau filled me in on)
I'm here for you. LOVE YOU!

Date: 2008-10-27 02:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
thanks dear, you can rely on Laura to give you a reasonably accurate, though very slightly biased opinion. ;)

It's just hard, I'd only really just convinced myself that he was serious. He just wasn't serious enough.

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