Sep. 27th, 2007

niennanir: (Default)
I'm going to Kansas City for my brother's wedding next week. Now let me begin by saying that I adore my future sister-in-law. A lot more, in fact, than I actually like my brother. She's sweet and charming and just too adorable for words and there had been, prior to the engagement, a lot of talk between my mother and I as to whether my brother would actually have the good sense to propose to her.

It turns out he's not as stupid as we feared and a week from Saturday he will leave the ranks of bachelorhood to marry far better than he deserves. So one would think that I was really looking forward to this wedding.

One would be wrong.

I was really happy right up until the night I met her parents, whom, it turns out, I'm also rather fond of. Apart from the fact that they think my brother is wonderful I can't find a thing wrong with them. But his ability to pull the wool over their eyes is none of my concern. No, my dear, beloved Daniel decided to take us all out to the Columbia and between the main course and desert ask if I wouldn't sing at the wedding.

I've been retired as a singer for close to 7 years. A fact I couldn't point out in front of his ecstatic future mother-in-law. You see I'd planned on buying myself a really hot little sun dress and a nice jacket for this wedding, something that would pass reasonably that I could recycle later to go to a picnic. But no, if I'm singing at the wedding I have to coordinate, I can't clash with the bridesmaids. I have to buy an actual cocktail dress and, heaven help me, nylons.

If you don't live in Florida, particularly this part of Florida, you might not understand the problem. You see, nylons have been out of vogue here for about 20 years. I don't even know anyone who owns pantyhose. As a matter of fact I'm pretty sure most of the nylons here belong to female impersonators, exotic dancers and the guys who do the Lion King stage show at Disney World.

The last nylons I wore were fishnets that went with a pirate costume. And even that was at a point that could be labeled 'A long time ago in a Galaxy Far Far Away.' I think the ones I wore before that were for a Shakespeare Symposium in college.

This presents a problem. The largest being the limited selection of nylons due to lack of demand. The second being that most of them are support stockings worn by the retirees who moved here from Wisconsin. I don't get that. If I was moving to a warmer climate the last think I would do is wear an article of clothing designed to super heat your body.

Suffice it to say that I had to go to 5 stores before I found a pair of nylons that fit and were the proper color.... that didn't come with seams up the back or cost $20. I categorically refuse to spend that much money on an article of clothing that I hope to never wear again for as long as I live.

I swear, if my brother does anything stupid before or after the wedding that upsets his wife I'm going to take the darn things off and strangle him with them.

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